The Infamous Letter to Gatorade

Hey kids,

Last time, I favored you with some spontaneous haiku stylings. Today, I'll delve a bit deeper..

I have a history of writing letters to companies for no real reason at all. There are people who work at these places who get paid to deal with people like me, and I like to fuck with them. This particular letter was written in response to a Gatorade commercial which used to be on the air. Take a minute and get reacquainted with the video please..

Should the video not work for any reason, go to youtube and search for "Tiger Woods Gatorade Moon Shot Commercial".

I'm not a fan of irresponsible advertising, and given the proper angle, anything can become irresponsible. I mean, it's America afterall.

Below is the letter I wrote to Gatorade. Keep in mind, it's entirely ficticious. I do not have a child, I've never been to Pebble Beach, and I'm not a big fan of Coors Light. Enjoy.

Dear Gatorade,

I’m your typical mid-western parent residing in the great state of Illinois, and I love your product. When I was younger, my late father and I would often go to a neighboring community and spend the day fishing; it‘s one of my fonder memories of him. As we drove, we often stopped at a local gas station which also sold live bait. While my father purchased the bait and a six pack of beer, I was allowed to wander around the store and find a beverage to take with us for our outing. One fateful day I recall opening one of the drink coolers and discovering a product of which I’d never heard. That day began my fascination with a wondrous sports drink by the name of Gatorade. Granted I was very young when I discovered Gatorade, and it wasn’t uncommon for me to find a product I’d never heard of, but this particular drink was different. It wasn’t boring like tap water, nor was it sweet like Kool-Aid. My father would bring home a bottle for me every week or so if he happened to stop on his way home from work. Believe it or not, to this day there’s still an old glass Gatorade bottle on my dresser at home; I use it to keep my spare change.

Being that I’m an avid golfer, there’s nothing I enjoy more than popping open a cold Coors Light on a Sunday afternoon, and then watching Tiger Woods work his magic up and down the golf course. Personally, I think that Tiger Woods is possibly the greatest golfer of all time, and my impressionable son has adopted a similar opinion. At a supple seven years old, my son is just reaching the age where he understands the fundamentals of golf, and I’m attempting to teach him some of the game’s delicate intricacies. Imagine my surprise when he recently took interest in a commercial depicting his personal role model playing his favorite game…on the moon. Of course, the commercial of which I speak is your newest ad in which Tiger Woods plays golf in space.

The concept of playing golf on the moon has absolutely captivated him, and you should have heard his excitement when the astronaut opens his visor and we see that it’s Tiger Woods. Your commercial has become my son’s favorite. He stops whatever he’s doing when the ad comes on, and often mimics the sound made when Tiger’s club connects with the golf ball near the end of the commercial. He’s gone as far as to ask if we can watch the rest of the match that Tiger played on the moon. To his disappointment, I told him it’s difficult to cover a round of golf played upon the moon‘s surface. We’ve watched the commercial on YouTube a few times, and I’ll play the ad’s background song on the family’s computer when he requests it.

As the encouraging parent of a bright, young child, I try to give my son any opportunities I can in order to support him. Recently he’s become saddened because I told him we couldn’t play golf on the moon like Tiger. Since then, he’s lost some interest in your commercial. He will still watch the ad, and sometimes he still makes the sound when the club hits the ball, but his enthusiasm has waned considerably.

Once a year, our family goes on vacation, and I try to choose locations that are appealing to my son. For example, last year we went to Pebble Beach and just walked around the golf course for a day. So I am thankful that your advertising team didn’t decide to have Tiger play golf in a volcano, because my son knows there’s volcanoes in Hawaii, and I simply can’t afford to take that vacation at this point in time. But I am saddened because I can’t make my son’s dreams of lunar golfing come true.

I was curious as to if there were any recommendations you could make off hand which would allow me to recreate the lunar golfing experience for my son? I’m just looking for ways to get his mind off his disappointment from the commercial and back into our mutual love for the game of golf. And who knows, maybe in my son’s lifetime he will be able to travel to the moon, and then in turn fulfill his dreams of golfing upon its surface. Until then though, I’m stuck with a depressed seven year old and his lunar fixation.

We both still love your product and I will continue to purchase it for myself and my son on a regular basis. However, you may wish to forward this letter to your marketing department in hopes that their desire to choose fantastic locations may be curved in the future. The stars are not brighter in at least one child’s small eyes.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

One of your biggest fans,

Max Burtrum


And Gatorade actually responded a few days later...


RE: the Tiger Gatorade advertisement , REF.# 026551066A

Max:

We're always happy when long-time Gatorade fans like you take the time to contact us. Your reactions and viewpoints are very important to us and we've shared your story our marketing team for consideration as future advertisements are planned.

You seem like a wonderful father, Max, and we're certain you'll find ways to get your son's mind off his disappointment from the Tiger commercial and back into your mutual love for the game of golf.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for taking the time to contact us.

Cathy
Gatorade Consumer Response

In the past, my letters have gotten me all kinds of free shit. This one did not, but it holds a special place in my heart for some reason. Hope you enjoyed your stay here. Check back soon!

~ Max.