Monday, October 4, 2010

Mother Nature has conditioned my ass!

So, as the cooler temperatures approach us I am reminded about the one thing that I hate most about winter......that would be the fact that its freakin' winter! I hate everything about it. You don't really wanna go outside because its freezing balls, my own personal coffee intake goes through the roof, it seems to stay perpetually cloudy for a solid six months, and you have to wear at least thirty seven layers of clothing just to go out and get the mail.

Well, it would seem that mother nature has heard my pissing and moaning for too long and has taken quite the retort to me for the past two years. "How can this be??", you ask. Well, its simple really.......conditioning. As soon as it starts to get cold, I shock the piss outta myself on everything and anything metal. Except for say, like, Behemoth cds. If metal cds could shock me I would say that would be a testament to the power of metal (please note the dorkiness of my statement by checking out the Wyld Stallyons pic!). I am very serious about this though, from car doors to entry door handles you name it, it shocks me. But the worst of them all is the metal nozzle to flush the toilet in any given public rest room and thus brings up my awareness that mother nature has conditioned me.

Laugh all you want, as soon as it gets cold I start loathing the idea of taking a piss at work. She is good, that bitch mother nature. It has gotten so bad that I have to mentally psych myself up by counting to three and then just making a mad grab at the toilet handle. Sure enough about an inch away from the thing........POW! Let me tell you, its never one of those shocks that you just hear and barely feel, oh no....I have had a couple that have left my finger or hand completely numb. I would swear that if the light was off, it would light up the entire bathroom stall. So let this be a warning, if you ever get conditioned like I have and you find yourself turning into a massive sand filled vagina when you think about touching items made of metal in the winter, maybe you should have bitched a little less about mother nature because I promise you she is laughing her ass off at your expense.


  1. I know the place I work with has self-flushing urinals and toilets via a sensor. No hands needed until you wash your hands. Even then, there are sensors that turn the water on/off.

  2. Well then Mr. or Mrs. Anonymous, you work at a far more advanced place then I do. But if this is who I think it is, you use a different bathroom than I do that you refer to as crapper's row which houses these amenities. If you happen to be an Anonymous person then strike all of that rambling nonsense that I just did.