I have to be honest here, this idea is obviously not original but for some reason I always enjoy reading about people I don't really know. So what exactly is this idea?, you ask. Well basically it is a small half-ass semi serious interview containing somewhere between fifteen to twenty questions with some of my friends or people I am acquaintances with. Some of the questions are random and some of them are legit. Too legit in fact. Some would say too legit to quit.
Any time I come across something like this I read it and I don't even really know why. I do, however, feel as if I know the interviewee a little better as if we would hang out for drinks sometime. This notion is crazy considering I don't even know the interviewee and I can only assume that person will never know that I have read the small article about them. All rambling aside, I present my first in who the hell really knows how many interviews..........
I first met Max some thirteen years ago now (holy shit, its been thirteen years!!) in Spanish class and shortly after I started dating his sister. My first thought when I met him was something along the lines of “Alright, this means I’m gonna have someone to buy me alcohol while I’m still underage or, this guy is going to hate my guts for dating his sister and want nothing to do with me.” Although he was a little older, I can’t really remember a time that we haven’t gotten along. It ended up we had a lot of similar interests and for that I am thankful. From first hand knowledge and just being around the guy, it seems that at times he himself underestimates his intelligence, creativity, as well as his all around awesome laid back and sometimes comical views on all things life. Ladies and gentleman, I give you a man I am proud to call my brother in law…..Mr. Max Burtrum……...
1. So how are things treating you these days?
Ya know, good. Football season’s just starting up. I’m changing jobs. Getting back into writing again. Overall, fair.
2. What exactly were your first impressions of me when I first started dating your sister?
If I’m not mistaken, we were friends for a little while before you two started dating. I think we were all in Spanish together your sophomore year in high school. We’ve always gotten along just fine.
3. Have your views of me changed since then?
Oh yeah, now I think you’re a douchebag. Haha.
4. You have worked in the restaurant business for quite some time now, name some of your favorite businesses to work for.
I’m pretty loyal to the places I work. As a result, I’ve only worked for a hand full of places. I had a paper route with the Journal Star for six years. Pizza Hut for three years. Famous Dave’s for six years. Buffalo Wild Wings for four years. And now I’m going back to Famous Dave’s within the month. I’ve gotta say, Famous Dave’s is my first love. It taught me how great the restaurant industry really can be, and gave me the opportunity to travel around the country.
5. What stands out in your mind as something completely annoying that someone can do when you are waiting on them?
Ignore me – When I’m at your table, the attention is on me. I’m not there long, I’m entertaining, and I’m there to fix one thing for you: hunger. You didn’t come to the restaurant to window shop, so shut the hell up for 45 seconds and acknowledge me as a person when I say, “Hey guys, what’s shakin?”
Shake / Slurp your empty soda cup – If this happens, I purposely ignore you for at least five more minutes cause you deserve it. Beer’s a whole different matter. It’s totally my fault if you hit bottom before I notice it.
Don’t pay attention when I’m talking to you – This is actually why I haven’t worn a nametag with my name on it for about six years. I tell every table what my real name is when I go up to the table for the first time. If you call me by whatever’s on my nametag, and not my real name, I laugh a lot at your expense. One time, I had a big-wig business man call me Gilligan every time I went to the table. Everyone else at the table laughed at him every time because they all caught my name the first time. Example names I’ve had over the years: Oliver, Coop, Luigi, Oscar, McLovin, Count Chocula, Zoidberg, Monkey, Miles Davis.
6. For awhile you were traveling around opening new stores for Famous Daves. Give me an awesome story or two.
Let’s see.. I believe this was in Billings, Montana. All the trainers were leaving the next morning, and I decided to put on the show to send ‘em off. Before we even left the hotel to go to a house party, I shotgunned three beers back to back to back, and filled out the comment card on the nightstand. It said, Comments? So I wrote, “I really dig porn”, and left it on my buddy’s nightstand. There’s only a handful of things I remember from this night, kinda like a mosaic. On the car ride to the house party, I was singing “Windows down, gas up, that’s the way I like to truck” and free-styling the other lyrics. I remember running across the front lawn like an airplane. I confessed my love to three different ladies, and got busted by two of them for “working the room” because this was all within about twenty minutes. A keg stand. Then the cops showed up. Some people dove out the bathroom window, so the cops had to search the house. I remember being herded into a closet with four ladies: a 35-year old, a 17, 18, and 19 year old. From there we played a rather interesting game of truth or dare while the cops searched the house. I picked a fight with an air conditioner box because the Lenox guy was lookin at me funny. Then as we were leaving, a sober girl (whom I totally considered to be out of my league) confessed her love for me, made out with me, but couldn’t come back to the hotel cause her friend was too drunk to drive home. And then my roommate threw up in the bathtub back at the hotel.
7. Describe living in Fargo, ND.
It was friggin awesome. I racked up a HUGE amount of debt because I was rather financially irresponsible while I lived there, but I wouldn’t give up those memories for anything. And I’d still, to this day, move back in a heartbeat. It was the most relaxed, laid back, non-congested city I’ve ever visited.
8. What did you like most about living in Fargo, ND?
Let’s put it this way, I was told by one of my roommates, within my first few days of living there that there’s only three things to do in Fargo: drink, do drugs, and have sex. And he was pretty accurate on that point. The two years I spent up there were like one big continual party.
9. What did you like least about living in Fargo, ND?
The friggin cold. One thing’s for sure, we don’t know anything about cold around here though.. One morning, I had to open the store and it was 35 below zero…BEFORE windchill. I asked someone once, “So when’s Summer around here?” He responded with, “It’s the two and a half months where all the snow melts.” I laughed. He however, did not.
10. Tell me about the times you used to draw on your parents’ cat Sheeba.
This started with a party I had years ago while house sitting when my family was out of town.. There was a Sharpie on the counter, and a white cat who was just askin to be fucked with.. So I gave her tiger stripes on one side. Later that night, someone decided to write “FUCK” on the other side. My parents thought it was hilarious on both counts (even though they really wanted to be upset about FUCK, they couldn’t). From then on, it became a tradition whenever I had a party.
11. I once got drunk and proceeded to eat crayons (in their entirety, paper wrapper and all) while at a get together in your parents basement. Gimme a good drunken story.
Oh, there’s so many things I could tell here.. But I’m gonna go with the time we were out, and I was several beers and shots into the night. We had just finished off a plate of nachos, and for no good reason, I scooped up a big handful of the nacho cheese and smeared it on my face like warpaint. Nacho cheese warpaint has become pretty infamous since then.
12. Who is your all time favorite comedian?
That’s like telling a parent they have to pick their favorite child. I gotta go with Tommy Johnagin, Jim Gaffigan, and Daniel Tosh.
13. Can you please tell me why you like Tosh.0 again?
Daniel Tosh cracks me up. He starts out with a really vague comment and then goes, and goes, and goes, with a joke until only a small handful have any idea what he’s talking about. The video breakdown and the first half of the show are usually pretty hilarious. The web redemption, I could usually do without, but they have their moments.
14. Give me your top three favorite albums.
Muse – Absolution, Tally Hall – Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum, Snow Patrol – Final Straw. All great, all changed my musical views in different ways.
15. You once used your sister’s Saturn to drive from work to home. Upon driving home you noticed that the temperature gage was way past buried so you pulled over and walked home thinking that the car may overheat. It turns out that the gage was just broken, how did that work out for you?
I walked more than two miles, in freezing rain because I believe this was back in mid-November. The rest of the night, I was wrapped in a blanket, and I believe I got a pretty nasty cold out of the deal. Part of me laughed about it, but the other part was pretty pissed and embarrassed. Seriously, how do you not mention that when you let someone else drive your car?!
16. What is the best thing that you have ever gotten for free?
I feel like this is a pointed question, because off the top of my head, all I can think of is the Xbox 360 you gave me last year. Which is friggin great!
.....when i originally asked this question i wasn't even thinking about this although that was pretty fucking cool of me.
17. This is your time…….any closing thoughts or anything you wanna say?
I poop too much?