After a long day at work I hop in my car and turn on the radio hoping to hear something that will make me forget about my troubles. Unfortunately in my vehicle (a 98’ Ford Escort, the choice of champions everywhere!) I have to rely on the factory installed beat box as I do not have a CD player. Normally it only takes a minute or two and I am humming away and tapping my hands like an idiot on the steering wheel having already forgotten about my day. Until that is, I hear this absolutely atrocious song entitled “Porn Star Dancing” by the group My Darkest Days. I listened to it once all the way through and that was enough to last the rest of my life. Every time I hear it now I honestly get severely pissed. Why, do you ask? I imagine its because the band and also the song are so horrible that they had to recruit Zakk Wylde to guest on the track probably in some means to get some sort of attention. God knows they wouldn’t be able to do it themselves. I mean, I suppose that it’s radio friendly enough but I’ll be willing to bet the same people that like this song are also the same ones that only know the line “It’s your fucking nightmare” from the song “Nightmare” by Avenged Sevenfold so they can proudly scream it in their car or at a live show. Sadly it’s these same idiotic people that help to make songs such as the one I am bitching about popular. They like the song, not because of the quality but because it has the words “porn star” in it and the video shows partying with a bunch of ate up women that are trying to resemble strippers. “Oh yeah Nic, and what band are you in?” Well, I’ll tell you this, give me a kazoo, a triangle, and a whoopie cushion and I can guarantee you I can write a better song. I had to do some hardcore investigating (yep, went to good ol’ wikipedia and searched) to see what the hell gives in this case. I mean, what is this band’s schtick? This is one case where someone in the band is either blowing a big wig corporate guy or they are related to someone in the industry. And then I found my answer……..The band was founded by Matt Walst, who was born in Norwood, Ontario, and whose older brother Brad Walst is the bassist for Three Days Grace. Bingo! The entry goes on to state; When Chad Kroeger (of Nickleback fame, he would also give backing vocals for the band’s first single) heard My Darkest Days, he was so impressed he immediately signed them up. This explains so much……..
Now, let’s get down to the song itself. What the hell exactly is porn star dancing? I don’t know about you but when someone says porn star dancing, stripping,(which is what I assume is what the song is talking about) is not what crosses my mind. What does pop into my head is some sort of athletic contest that ends up by getting a Woody at the AVN awards. Think Dancing with the Stars meets, well, a porno. For some reason to me “Porn Star Dancing” is two porn stars fucking in some sort of choreographed, rhythmic way maybe to the tune of Ricky Martin’s “Living La Vida Loca”, or Styx’s “Renegade” or even Hanson’s “Mmmbop”. So, if you are one to refer to stripping as “Porn Star Dancing” it just makes it sound as if you are twelve and describing having had just walked in on your drunken mother giving her supervisor a lapdance in her hopes to move up the corporate ladder. “Oh man, my mom was just porn star dancing for Frank!” For shit sakes, quit trying to sound cool and just call it stripping because that’s what it is.
If you haven’t heard the song or even know what the hell I’m talking about, check out the video below. If, after watching said video, you think to yourself, “Damn, that’s a pretty good song.” Please do me a favor and don’t ever fucking talk to me again. You are dead to me.